Normally, when we hold a growth mindset, we seek challenges and have a ‘can do’ attitude. We trust that challenges are here to teach us something we haven’t mastered yet. In short, challenges are desirable.
But let’s face it, parenting challenges are hard. They are frequent and can get very intense. Many of us would rather have more of the joy of parenting and fewer hurdles.
At the same time, reality teaches us that parenting challenges are here to stay. Not only that, there are going to be different types of challenges. Given these truths, how can we see them in a different light?
When we learn to look beyond the difficulties of parenting challenges, we realize that they provide clarity on things that matter most – where we are now with regards to our abilities, beliefs, expectations, and resources. They help to answer important questions like what we need, how we want to move forward, and why we care.
This article is the beginning of a series to explore the different dimensions of clarity provided by parenting challenges. Here, we will focus on clarity in relation to the expectations we have about parenting.
Let’s dive in.
Clarity on the expectation gap
When I interview parents they express how they care about contributing to their kids’ lives in a meaningful way and cultivating healthy relationships and a peaceful environment at home. Many hope to do better than their own parents. As parents, we have hopes, dreams, and big aspirations. We initially have a positive and optimistic feeling that we will figure out how to bring these dreams to life.
However, parents also share that the day-to-day reality is far away from the initial expectations they had. They describe parenting as the hardest job they have ever done. Yes, there are moments of joy and harmony, but the challenges surpass them.
We expected a particular experience and reality surprised us. Uncomfortable emotions are valid. They can range from feeling disoriented and anxious to feeling sad and powerless. While these uncomfortable feelings are common and normal, they don’t feel normal and many of us don’t know how to cope with them.
Therefore, when the reality of parenting kicks in, many of us start having doubts. We come to realize that we don’t really have the knowledge, tools, and skills to create the family experience we wished for. We somehow forget that big aspirations, in parenting and life, come with uncertainty. Uncertainty can feel scary, especially when we are responsible for the care and wellbeing of little humans.
It’s ok not to know. We are not supposed to know everything. We are here to learn.
Once we get this clarity – that there is a gap between the initial expectations and the reality of parenting, we can choose how to move forward. We can choose to acknowledge and accept the reality of the parenting experience, with all its true colors, and rethink the way we think about parenting.
I believe that it would be safe to describe the parenting journey and the emotional experience as follows:
Parenting is a meaningful endeavor.
It takes us on a journey we have never traveled before.
It feels like exploring the wilderness.
Let’s unpack it a bit more.
The reality of parenting shows that challenges are to be expected. Challenges are an inevitable part of parenting (and life).
Indeed, many parents say that once they overcome a challenge, a new challenge arises. I felt this too. It started with nursing challenges, sleepless nights, and coping with tantrums. Then leaving the house on time in the mornings became challenging. And don’t get me started on mediating siblings’ conflicts or hearing the daily requests for unhealthy sweets.
As if coping with parenting challenges is not hard enough, the kids observe what we do and imitate. They learn how we react to conflict and tension, how we deal with challenges, and how we treat ourselves and others.
Not only are challenges here to stay, but they are also going to change. Drawing inspiration from the meaningful endeavor of Nelson Mandela, we can expect:
“After climbing a great hill, one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.”
― Nelson Mandela, A Long Walk to Freedom
Let’s keep building on the hill metaphor – The journey towards meaningful aspirations is filled with challenges, hills. Those hills are different from one another. Each climb will teach you something that can help you climb the next hill. Capture the lessons. The journey is not about learning how to climb a specific hill. It’s about learning how to climb any hill.
Let’s expand the description:
The parenting journey is filled with ever-changing challenges.
Knowledge, tools, mindset, and skills will allow us to go through the ups and downs.
To transform difficulties into fuel.
To find meaning and joy
To lead and navigate it as you truly aspire.
Accepting that challenges are a given, that they are an integral part of the parenting experience, that they are not going away, and that “this is parenting”, takes time. The sooner we accept it, the sooner we are able to leverage parenting challenges for growth, and the faster we learn how to approach future challenges with stronger skills, effective strategies, and trust that we have the power within.
In future posts, we will keep gaining clarity on our beliefs, purpose, pace, needs, and abilities.
In the meantime, here are two steps you can take:
- Practice: how to reframe expectations for growth
- Join: sign up for the Becomers community newsletter, delivered each Thursday, for actionable guidance on your becoming journey.
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