When our parenting purpose is defined by how our kids behave or what they accomplish, we become vulnerable to circumstances that are outside of our control. It adds daily stress that creates an urge to use strategies to gain control such as reminding, commanding, convincing, or even forcing. In that state, our capacity to role-model is limited. 

However, when our purpose is defined by the vision and values we want to model, from a growth mindset to compassion, it inspires us to become learners and grow. 

Why is it important?

Our ability to find meaning and fulfillment in daily parenting experiences depends largely on how we define our parenting purpose. Here is an example.

I recently went with my kids to a climbing gym for the first time.

I noticed my son approaching the wall. He shared with me that he was feeling scared to climb, but he wanted to try. 

I watched him climb a little way up and then go down. Again, he went up a little bit and then climbed down. 

I didn’t understand why he was climbing down instead of just sliding down using the belay. 

I asked him if he remembered that he was secured. 

“I know. I still feel a bit scared,” he said. 

I realized that The fact that he was secured did not mean he felt secure nor that he trusted the belay to hold him. 

“Take your time,” I replied. 

I kept observing him. I was curious about how things would unfold. 

He kept repeating the strategy of going up just a little, and then climbing down. I guessed it was his way to feel comfortable. 

Then, I noticed that with each try, he climbed a little higher but still went down by himself, not ready to use the belay. It took more effort, and he felt tired when he reached the ground. 

During all his attempts, he saw others around him climbing to the top and then using the belay to hop back down. Meaning he had the evidence that the belay does hold people. 

However, he was not yet ready. 

He kept using the same strategy, each time getting a little higher, till he got to the top. Then, climb down by himself.

After he reached the top several times, he decided to go down to a lower point and try the belay. 

He enjoyed the experience so much. He felt proud. I really admired how attentive he was to his needs and inner experience. I was glad he was able to find joy and build confidence in his way. 

What guided my approach and what did I do while I was watching him?  

Like him, I was actively learning while climbing a mental wall. I intentionally practiced my belief in growth. This means that I noticed the urge to “praise”, “motivate”, “persuade”, or “advise” without being asked to do so, and yet I chose to stay silent because

• I trust him to ask for help if he needs it.
• I believe that it’s more important for him to listen to his inner-signals (thoughts, feelings, sensations) and find ways to drive and trust himself as a learner.
• I accept his unique, unknown, and wonderful growth process.

It also means that when I just couldn’t help it and at the end said “that was amazing!!,” I tried again. Instead of using an abstract phrase, I stated what I saw and what I admired while I was watching him make progress.

I felt proud of myself.

I was able to find meaning in this parenting experience not because of his progress, but because I was able to stay aligned with my parenting purpose and model my values.

Redefining my parenting purpose in a way that is defined by things I can control – my own learning and how I want to model my values – guides me to both find meaning and satisfaction in my journey and have more peace as I trust my kids to find their way.