October at BecomingLab is dedicated to cultivating responsibility.
Responsibility is defined as the state or fact of being responsible, answerable, or accountable for something within one’s power, control, or management.
In this series, we will explore ways to role model taking responsibility for serving a deeper purpose: fostering a growth mindset and deepening the connections at home.
Let’s start with taking responsibility for our mistakes.
There are a few truths we need to accept.
Truth #1 – Parenting mistakes are expected and needed.
It’s important to remember that the parenting experience involves doing things for the first time.
Therefore, making mistakes is expected and even guaranteed.
- It’s expected that we’ll make very common and visible mistakes. For example, when we lose our temper, overreact and then regret it.
- It’s also expected to make nuanced and invisible mistakes. For example, when we intentionally avoid communicating what we truly want because we worry that communicating in an honest and open way, would cause conflict and hurt.
Mistakes are needed to develop our parenting abilities – from emotion regulation to communication – and can help us create the family experience as we truly want.
But, it’s easier said than done. While it might be easy to accept this approach intellectually, it’s very hard to accept it emotionally.
Because –
Truth #2 – Parenting mistakes can have an undesired impact.
They unintentionally hurt us and our kids. They create stress and disconnection.
So, what can we do?
We take responsibility for our actions by focusing on repair.
The psychologist and parenting whisperer, Dr. Becky Kennedy, explains in her new TED Talk called, The single most important parenting strategy:
“Repair is the act of going back to a moment of disconnection. Taking responsibility for your behavior and acknowledging the impact it had on another. And I want to differentiate a repair from an apology, because when an apology often looks to shut a conversation down — “Hey, I’m sorry I yelled. Can we move on now?” — a good repair opens one up.”
We can always repair. Are you willing to try?
Becomers' Weekly Challenge
Watch Dr. Becky’s new Ted Talk and reflect on a recent mistake you made that you haven’t yet taken responsibility for.
Practice the two steps for repair:
- Self repair – Separating your identity (who you are), from your behavior (what you did). It means telling yourself: “I’m a good parent (identity) who was having a hard time (behavior).”
- Repair with your child – Address three elements: (1) name what happened, (2) take responsibility for it, (3) state what you would do differently the next time. It sounds like: “I keep thinking about what happened…. I’m sorry I yelled. I’m sure that felt scary. And it wasn’t your fault. I’m working on staying calm, even when I’m frustrated.”
Not only does it help your child feel seen, it is also a great way to role model a growth mindset, as we explicitly state what we are working to develop and improve on.
Keep growing,
Liz
Last call – the Growth Mindset program starts next week. Two spots are available on Thursday morning and on Monday evening. 👉 Join us!
