When my colleagues and I teach the growth mindset, we normally talk about behaviors that promote a growth mindset, such as receiving or actively soliciting feedback.

In a fixed mindset, which we all hold sometimes, feedback normally triggers defensiveness.

Why is it?

Studies show that feedback is experienced as social rejection and therefore perceived as a potential social threat.

Since the brain doesn’t differentiate between physical threats and social threats, feedback from our kids is experienced as if a lion is chasing us.

The threat produces automatic responses that are designed to defend us.  

Therefore, on the journey to becoming growth mindset role models, we want to familiarize ourselves with the feelings, sensations, thoughts, and specific defensive behaviors upon receiving feedback. 

It’s on us to learn how to regulate our nervous system and signal our brain and body that we are safe, so we don’t react with the defensiveness that comes with a fixed mindset.

For example, my daughter shared this feedback with me:

“Mom, sometimes, when I do things that you don’t like, you react in ways that tell me that I’m doing something wrong”.

My heart sank. I’m very sensitive to the word wrong and to the experience of wrongness.

It was painful to hear. I sad and felt anxious.

I noticed the instinct to start explaining myself. 

However, I’ve learned that these are the signals for me to slow down and ground myself at the moment. 

Also, to give myself more time to regulate, I’ve been intentionally practicing asking this question, “can you tell me more?”.

I’m asking this not as a way to build up my arguments, but as a way to understand her experience in more detail.

I told her that I appreciated her feedback deeply, which I honestly did, and admired the way she used her voice.

It took me some time to learn how to hear and respond to my kids’ feedback in a growth-minded way. It had a huge impact not only on my growth but also, on creating a stronger connection with her.