My 1st grader enjoys going to Hebrew classes. But he doesn’t enjoy doing the homework.
Each time we sit together to do the homework, I need to prepare mentally so I can stay centered as he expresses his frustration and desire to do something else.
But honestly, when his frustration wave lasts a loooong time, I feel irritated.
I hear myself thinking, “I have other things to do… other kids to care for”.
Part of me wants to rush things and say: “If you don’t finish your homework, you can’t ….”.
Another part of me wants to lecture: “I told you we need to finish the homework before we play. Now you are tired and can’t focus.”
But I learned that saying these things can create more pain for both of us.
He doesn’t feel seen and understood. And I end up with heartaches and hard questions like – “Why do I say things that hurt him and create more pain than what he already experienced?“
In these moments, as a caregiver, I’m in survival mode.
My mind perceives this experience as a threat. I want to support his learning, perseverance, and resiliency but he is not ready. I also want to do other things afterward so this struggle is in my way.
In this state, my abilities are limited. I can’t access my wisdom and growth mindset practices.
Therefore, I first need to take actions that will help my nervous system go back into a neutral state.
The sooner I own my human limitations at the moment, the faster I will be able to find my calm and radiate calmness.
Our calmness sends cues that signal to our kids that they are safe. Our connection is not conditioned or threatened. A sense of safety is fundamental for learning.
So how do we get into a neutral state? While there are many ways to regulate our nervous system, the biggest gift of self-compassion practices is that they are always available.
When we actively care for others, we don’t always have the time or the space for calming strategies like taking a walk or journaling. But we can always use the power of the mind and touch to soothe the emotional pain and increase the sense of security.
Becomers weekly challenge
These are common self-compassion practices for caregivers that can be applied in moments of struggle:
- Soothing touch – physical touch releases oxytocin which has a soothing effect and helps us feel safe and cared for. This week, experiment with different types of touch; for example – put a hand on your heart, hold your hands with tenderness, or cross your arms and squeeze gently. Find a touch that genuinely has a soothing effect on you.
- Self-compassion break – this break provides the space we and our kids need to care for our emotions and needs. For example: “I see that you are feeling frustrated. I feel that too. Our brains are hooked. But we are safe. Let’s take a few moments to care for our big emotions first.” During the break, you can apply the three core components of self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and kindness.
So what happened when we took a few moments to acknowledge the struggle and calm down?
He: “Can we go to the office and do the homework there?”
Me: “Great idea! Since we just set up this table for learning, can we work on two pages here and then move to anywhere you want to complete the rest?”
His eyes smiled and he said with excitement: “Yes! We can start here and then I want to go outside. We can put the umbrellas next to us in case it will rain again.”
And so we did. We overcame this challenge together and learn Hebrew on the way.
Magical things happen when we are centered. The approach feels good in the heart.
We CAN support our kids’ learning without power struggles. It takes more than just setting boundaries. It takes the hard work needed to stay present, letting go of our own ideas and expectations, and softening the heart.
“A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
Till next time, a question for you – Do you believe that people are doing the best they can at any given moment?
Stay safe,
Liz
P.S. Join the Becomers community around the world to receive new editions of the newsletter sent to you every Thursday. Sign up here 👉 JOIN
