The connection with our kids is a process that is constantly being created TOGETHER.

In the womb, there is a physical cord that connects us.

Outside the womb, we need to co-create the emotional cord that connects us.

How can we approach co-creation?

Keep these three key guidelines in mind:  

1. Own your responsibility and accept that each side does things that can either strengthen or weaken this connection. There are things that we or our kids do that open the heart like expressing appreciation and acts of love, and things that close the heart like hearing criticism or feeling ignored. These are all types of feedback, which carry invaluable information on how to make the connection better.

2. Monitor the ratio between the “negative” and “positive”. Dr. John Gottman, a relationships expert, recommends keeping the ratio of positive to negative to 5:1. This ratio is called the magic ratio and it means that for every negative thing we do or say that weakens the connection, we need to make up for it with five positive things that strengthen the connection.  

3. Honor the personal experience. In the same way we know best what makes us feel connected and what enriches our connection with our kids, our kids know best what makes them feel connected and what contributes to their sense of connection with us. This guideline can inspire us to approach co-creation with curiosity and openness by asking them questions and sharing genuinely what makes us feel more connected. 

On a personal note, these guidelines helped me to transform the way I process my kids’ feedback. I feel less triggered and more motivated to learn TOGETHER with them how to make the connection better.

I hope you’ll find them helpful, too. 💛